1. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the Person died.
9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.
15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
17. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
20. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
21. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
25. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
29. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
31. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
39. Your focus determines your reality
40. Quick, pick a color from 1 to 10.
41. As I grow older I find it takes much to much effort to hate.
42. I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
43. You’ll often find the benefits of being wrong greatly out weigh the ramifications.
12. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand…
37 Just remember – if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
27. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth is moving.
24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
28. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
7. I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
14. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
17. If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.
23. What is the speed of dark?
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
24. How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
13 Some drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn’t familiar territory.
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
15. Don’t squat with your spurs on.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
26. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory – Some lack film.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
38. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
34. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
Bumperstickers
(((The Earth Is Full – Go Home.)))
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
(((If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?)))
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
Honk If Anything Falls Off.
Cover Me, I’m Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool – Now!
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 mph Are Also Timed For 70 mph.
Ax Me About Ebonics
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel.
Boldly Going Nowhere.
Heart Attacks … God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
(((How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is Lost?)))
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE — PLANT A MAN.
“Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”